ขำขัน แบบจืดจืด -- มาช่วยกันขำหน่อยครับ พี่ๆ น้องๆ

[เป๋ครับ!!]

ข้อบ่งใช้: เพื่ออรรถรส ควรอ่านเรื่องขำขันในตอนเช้าก่อนเริ่มทำงานประจำวัน

คำเตือน: ไม่ควรอ่านเรื่องขำขันในกระทู้นี้ก่อนนอน เพราะอาจทำให้ท่านหงุดหงิดจนนอนไม่หลับ

[เป๋ครับ!!]

I was in the restaurant yesterday when I suddenly realized I desperately
needed to pass gas. The music was really, really loud, so I timed my
gas with the beat of the music.

After a couple of songs, I started to feel better. I finished my coffee,
and noticed that everybody was staring at me....

Then I suddenly remembered that I was listening to my iPod.

[เป๋ครับ!!]

A man told his doctor he wasn't able to do all the things around the house like he used to.
When the examination was complete, he said "Now Doc, tell me in plain English what is wrong with me."
"Well in plain English," the doctor replied, "you're just lazy."
"Okay," said the man. "Now give me the medical term so I can tell my wife."

[เป๋ครับ!!]

เด็กหญิงอายุ 16 คนหนึ่ง
เป็นคนหน้าตาดีมาก จึงทำให้มีชายหนุ่มเข้ามารุมจีบเธอมากมาย
 เธอรู้สึกกลัวว่า ผู้ชายที่เข้ามาหาเธอนั้น
 คงหวังจะต้องการทำมิดีมิร้ายกับเธอเธอจึงตัดสินใจไปปรึกษาแม่ของเธอ
 แม่ของเธอจึงให้คำแนะนำกับเธอว่า
 ”ไม่ต้องกลัวลูก ต่อไปนะ ถ้ามีผู้ชายคนไหนพยายามจะทำอะไรลูก
 ให้ถามเขาไปว่า “จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี” นั่นจะทำให้ทุกคนกลัว
 หลังจากนั้น เธอก็ได้ไปที่งานปาร์ตี้ มีผู้ชายที่เข้ามาเต้นรำกับเธอ
 และเขาก็เริ่มจูบและกอดเธอ เธอจึงกระซิบ ถามเขาไปว่า
 ”เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี”
 ชายหนุ่มรีบหาข้อแก้ตัว และเขาก็หายไปเลย
 หลังจากนั้น ก็มีเรื่องอย่างนี้เกิดขึ้นอีก มีผู้ชายเข้ามารู้จักกับเธอ
 แล้วเขาจูบที่คอเธอ และไล่ลงมาที่ไหล่ เธอหยุดเขา
 และถามเขาถึงเรื่องชื่อลูกอีก เขาก็หนีไปเลย
 ต่อมา เธอได้รู้จักกับผู้ชายอีกคนหนึ่ง เขาชวนเธอไปที่บ้าน
 จากนั้นไม่นานเขาก็เริ่มจูบเธอ เธอก็ถามไปทันทีว่า
 ”เราจะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี”
 แต่เขายังคงค่อยๆ จูบเธอต่อไป
 ”จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไรดี” เธอถามซ้ำ
 แต่ไม่มีท่าทีว่าเขาจะสนใจ และเขาก็ค่อย ๆ ถอดเสื้อผ้าเธอ
 ”จะตั้งชื่อลูกของเราว่าอะไร” เธอตะโกนถาม
 เขาก็เริ่มมีอะไรกับเธอทันที
 เมื่อเสร็จสิ้นภารกิจ เธอไม่รู้จะทำอย่างไรดี
 จึงถามคำถามเดิมซ้ำไปอีกที
 เขาถอดเสื้อกันฝนออกเรียบร้อย แล้วจึงตอบว่า
 ”ถ้ามันรอดจากไอ้นี่มาได้ ก็เรียกมันว่า ‘David Copperfield’!!!
 ก็แล้วกัน”

[เป๋ครับ!!]

A married couple in their 60's are visited by a fairy who grants them both a wish.

 'I want to travel around the world with my darling husband', says the wife ...
2 tickets for a luxury cruise magically appear in her hand!

Husband says 'sorry love, my wish is to have a wife 30 years younger than me ...'
 So the fairy waves her hand and the husband becomes 92 !

[เป๋ครับ!!]

I'm going to watch my wedding video later 'backwards'. I love the end bit when she takes the ring off, goes back down the aisle and jumps in the car.

[swsm]

ขอบคุณครับ     

[เป๋ครับ!!]

An aging man lived alone in Ireland. His only son was in Long Kesh Prison and he didn't know anyone who would spade up his potato garden.
The old man wrote to his son about it and received this reply.

"For Heavens SAKES, don't dig up that garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!!!

At 4 am the next morning a dozen British soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, but didn't find any guns.

Confused the man wrote to his son telling him what happened and asking him what to do next.
 
His son's reply was: "Just plant your potatoes."

[เป๋ครับ!!]

New Office

A young businessman rented a beautiful office and furnished it with antiques. However, no business was coming in. Sitting there, worrying, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wanting to look busy, he picked up the phone and pretended he was negotiating a big deal. He spoke loudly about big figures and huge commitments. Finally, he put down the phone and asked the visitor "Can I help you?"

The man said, "I've come to install the phone."

[เป๋ครับ!!]

The Doctor and the Lawyer

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. However, their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.
After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"
"I give it to them," replied the lawyer, "and then I send them a bill."
The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Lawyer Fishing

A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean.

The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything."

"That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything."

The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

[เป๋ครับ!!]

		อ้างถึง			ข้อความของ swsm เมื่อ 17 กุมภาพันธ์ 2554, 04:01:44
	ขอบคุณครับ

ขอบคุณครับ ... จะหาเรื่องให้เรื่อยๆ ครับ...

[Leam]

หวัดดี......น้องเป๋..น้องหยี และพี่น้องทุกท่าน

จะหาเรื่องให้เรื่อยๆ ..... ฟังแล้วสันหลังยังไงไม่รู้สิ น้องเป๋

[เป๋ครับ!!]

		อ้างถึง			ข้อความของ Leam เมื่อ 17 กุมภาพันธ์ 2554, 16:59:51
	หวัดดี......น้องเป๋..น้องหยี และพี่น้องทุกท่าน จะหาเรื่องให้เรื่อยๆ ..... ฟังแล้วสันหลังยังไงไม่รู้สิ น้องเป๋

สวัสดีครับพี่แหลม....สงสัยจะรีบมากนะครับ จนไม่มี "เสียว"

[swsm]

มาค่ะ    

[ภาณุ ปาตานี]

		อ้างถึง			ข้อความของ เป๋ครับ!! เมื่อ 17 กุมภาพันธ์ 2554, 10:43:23
	Lawyer Fishing A lawyer and an engineer were fishing in the Caribbean. The lawyer said, "I'm here because my house burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything." "That's quite a coincidence," said the engineer. "I'm here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company also paid for everything." The lawyer looked somewhat confused. "How do you start a flood?" he asked.

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Dangerous Parrot

A woman's dishwasher had stopped working, so she called a repairman.
He couldn't accommodate her with an evening appointment, and since she had to go to work the next day, she told him "I'll leave the key under the mat. Fix the dishwasher, leave the bill on the counter, and I'll mail you the check. By the way, dont worry about my Rottweiler. He wont bother you. But, whatever you do, do not under any circumstances talk to my parrot!"
When the repairman arrived at her apartment the next day, he discovered the biggest and meanest looking Rottweiler he had ever seen. Like she had said, the dog just lay there on the carpet, watching the repairman go about his business. However, the whole time he was there, the parrot drove him nuts with its incessant squawking and talking.
Finally the repairman couldn't stand the parrot's talking any longer and he told the bird to be quiet.

The parrot replied, "Get him, Brutus!"

[เป๋ครับ!!]

A Scary Ride!

A plane was taking off from Kennedy Airport. After it reached a comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom.
"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, nonstop from New York to Los Angeles. The weather ahead is good and therefore we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now, please sit back and relax... Oh my god!"
The passengers sat in silence, waiting for terrible news.
Then, the captain came back on the intercom and said "Ladies and Gentlemen, I am so sorry if I scared you earlier, but while I was talking, the flight- attendant brought me a cup of coffee and spilled the hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A passenger in Coach said, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Death of an engineer

An engineer dies and goes to heaven. However, when St. Peter meets him at the gate he says, "Wait a second! You're in the wrong place! Beat it!"
So, the engineers goes down to Hell, and gets settled in. He soon becomes dissatisfied with conditions there, and begins to make improvements. Before long, there's running water, flush toilets, escalators, and even air conditioning! The engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next."
God replies, "What! You've got an engineer? That's a mistake - he should never have gotten down there. Send him up right away!"
Satan says, "No way! I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue!"

"Oh, yeah?" the Devil replies. "Where are you going to get a lawyer?!"

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Bad Parrot

David received a parrot for his birthday. This parrot was fully grown with a bad attitude and worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least, rude.
David tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything else that came to mind. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got madder and ruder.
Finally, in a moment of desperation, David put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking and screaming and then, suddenly, all was quiet.
David, frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto David's extended arm and said, "I'm sorry that I offended you with my language and actions. I ask for your forgiveness."
David was astounded at the bird's change in attitude and was about to ask what changed him when the parrot continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?"

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Wrong Answer

Murphy applied for an engineering position at an Irish firm based in Dublin. An American applied for the same job, and both applicants, having the same qualifications, were asked to take a test by the department manager.
Upon completion of the test, both men had only missed one of the questions on the test. All the other questions were answered correctly. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thanks to both of you for your interest, but we've decided to give the American the job."
Murphy said, "And why would you be doing that? We both got 9 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish, I should get the job!"
The manager replied, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed."
"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" asked Murphy.

The manager replied, "Simple. The American put down for question five, 'I don't know.'You put down, 'Neither do I.'"

[Leam]

สวัสดียามเที่ยงครับ......น้องเป๋..น้องหยี..น้องยา และพี่น้องทุกท่าน

เข้ามาฝึกวิชาภาษาอังกฤษครับ......พี่น้อง

[Leam]

		อ้างถึง			ข้อความของ เป๋ครับ!! เมื่อ 17 กุมภาพันธ์ 2554, 20:05:36
	อ้างถึง ข้อความของ Leam เมื่อ 17 กุมภาพันธ์ 2554, 16:59:51 หวัดดี......น้องเป๋..น้องหยี และพี่น้องทุกท่าน จะหาเรื่องให้เรื่อยๆ ..... ฟังแล้วสันหลังยังไงไม่รู้สิ น้องเป๋ สวัสดีครับพี่แหลม....สงสัยจะรีบมากนะครับ จนไม่มี "เสียว"

อื้มมม....รีบจนลืมเสียวจริงๆด้วย.

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Watermelons

There was a farmer who grew watermelons. He was doing pretty well, but he was disturbed by some local kids who would sneak into his watermelon patch at night and eat his watermelons. After some careful thought, he came up with a clever idea that he thought would scare the kids away for sure.
He made up a sign and posted it in the field. The next day, the kids show up and they saw the sign which read, "Warning! One of the watermelons in this field has been injected with cyanide."
The kids ran off, made up their own sign and posted it next to the farmer's sign. When the farmer returned, he surveyed the field. He noticed that no watermelons are missing, but the sign next to his read,

"Now there are two!"

[เป๋ครับ!!]

Feel like a woman

On a Trans-Atlantic flight, a plane passes through a severe storm. The turbulence is awful, and things go from bad to worse when one wing is struck by lightning.
One woman in particular loses it. Screaming,she stands up in the front of the plane. "I'm too young to die!" she wails. Then she yells, "Well, if I'm going to die, I want my last minutes on earth to be memorable! No one has ever made me really feel like a woman! Well I've had it! Is there ANYONE on this plane who can make me feel like a WOMAN??"
For a moment there is silence. everyone has forgotten their own peril, and they all stare, riveted, at the desperate woman in the front of the plane. Then, a man stands up in the rear of the plane. "I can make you feel like a woman," he says. This tall, tanned and built guy with jet black eyes starts to walk slowly up the aisle, unbuttoning his shirt one button at a time.
No one moves. As this man approaches, the woman begins to get excited. He removes his shirt. Muscles ripple across his chest as he reaches her, and extends the arm holding his shirt to the trembling woman,

and whispers:   "Iron this."